Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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