I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
