she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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