i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
