My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
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Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
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Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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