So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
