Michael Bay diarrhea
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
