Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
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He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
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I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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