u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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