is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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