I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
