My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she smelled like a LAN party
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
