He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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