Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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