Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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