Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
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SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
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We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize