So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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