The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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