wrigley field is MILF paradise
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
