The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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