Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
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i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
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He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why