either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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