Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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