I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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