youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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