The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
bring money and cleavage
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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