WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
