By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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