apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
either way he was missing a nipple.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Randomize
