I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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