i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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