she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
