I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
