There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
My liver just had a heart attack.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
