I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I supernannyed him into submission
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
