After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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