Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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