Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
