My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
