You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
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