In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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