You really coming over, don't trick.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
