I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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