I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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