You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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