you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You are the jesus of drinking
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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