I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
