he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
