I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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