he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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