You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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