I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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