I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
