So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
