The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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