it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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