my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
