Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
