Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i will never coherently bang her
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS