go do what you do best...puke behind churches
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?