yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
