Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
