Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
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Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
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I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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